The Adult Reset: Prioritize Safety Over Performance.

Sometimes we need to reduce the intensity. Here are a couple of coaches taking the time to check in with the players

Much has been said about the power of an intentional reset in high-pressure moments.

We teach athletes to find a focal point, take a breath, and let a mistake go. But we often fail to recognize that the most intense pressure in the room isn’t coming from the opponent—it’s coming from the adults.

As parents and coaches, we often mistake our intensity for “support.” We get caught up in outcomes. We offer judgment or praise of the child based on their performance, unintentionally turning their worth into a fluctuating stock price.

What if we viewed our roles differently? What if we realized that, for a child to perform at a high level, the adults in the room must be the most regulated?

The Foundation: Safety and Growth

Our roles should be defined by the level of reliance a child has on us at their specific

It's terrifying watching your kids take risks. After all, we're responsible for protecting them. But we have to give them a chance to take flight.

developmental stage.

Early on, a child is entirely reliant upon us—not just for food and shelter, but for the regulation of their own emotions. We serve as their external nervous system. When they’re overwhelmed, we calm them. When they’re uncertain, we provide reassurance. Safety comes first, because without it, nothing else works.

As they grow, that role shifts. We move from managing their entire world to helping them learn how to navigate it.

With a baby, we provide security through total physical care.

With a teenager, we provide that same security through emotional proximity. We give them space to explore, struggle, and learn from their environment—while remaining the anchor they can return to when things go sideways. They need to know that your presence is a safe harbor, not a second-tier coaching session.

The Neuroscience of the Safe Harbor

It’s often said that development stops when a child is afraid. That isn’t just a coaching philosophy—it’s biology.

When a kid feels the 'noise' of our judgment or the weight of adult expectations, their brain’s threat detector—the amygdala—takes over. It triggers a survival reflex that floods the body with stress. In that moment, the part of the brain responsible for high-level skill, complex decision-making, and precision literally goes offline.

They don't lose the ability to move; they lose access to their training. They shift from playing with freedom to playing for survival. By providing a safe environment, we aren't being "soft." We're keeping their internal "CEO" online so their best can actually show up when it counts.

Success Through Freedom

Cael Sanderson and his long-time assistant Jake Varner, looking on in their familiar, stoic fashion.

We often imagine elite environments as rigid and fear-driven—barked orders, constant pressure, and little room for error. But one of the most dominant programs in modern sports tells a very different story.

Under head coach Cael Sanderson, Penn State Wrestling has built a dynasty that defies the traditional grind mentality. Since 2011, the program has won 12 NCAA national championships, setting a standard of sustained excellence rarely seen in any sport.

Sanderson, himself a legendary competitor with a 159–0 collegiate record, has built his success around a radical commitment to fun, gratitude, and fearlessness. He creates an environment that longtime Penn State broadcaster Jeff Byers has described as a “sanctuary”—a place where athletes feel comfortable being themselves.

As three-time NCAA Champion Bo Nickal once put it: “I don’t define myself by wins and losses. Because of that, I’m able to compete more freely.”

That freedom isn’t accidental. It’s designed.

When an athlete knows their value is cemented in who they are—not how they perform—they unlock a level of aggression, creativity, and resilience that fear could never produce.

Performance Is the Standard

This shift doesn’t lower the bar. It raises the ceiling.

Sanderson has often noted that when a child believes they must win to make their

Penn State Wrestling Alumni (from left to right) Bo Nickal, Zane Retheford, David Taylor, and Kerry McCoy. Seen here displaying their Hodge Trophies (the college wrestling equivalent of the Heisman).

parents proud, it creates a level of pressure more frightening than any opponent. His standard is actually higher than winning:

“Winning and losing is a lower standard than performance. You could win and not wrestle your best. Performance is a permanent mentality.”

Whether you’re a parent in the stands or a coach on the sideline, the same principle applies. When we remove the fear of What will Dad think? or Will I get benched if I mess up?, we create the conditions for real growth.

The Reset

We can build environments where adults are the anchors—not the storm.

When we reset our own roles—choosing gratitude over critique and presence over pressure—we give our kids something rare: the space to find out who they are without fear.

And that’s where resilience actually begins.